Note: Argov explains that the term “bitch” is meant to refer to a woman who is strong in her identity and secure with who she is. I get it, but I decided to replace the term “bitch” with “confident woman” throughout the rest of this blog post. And I won’t apologize for it either, so just call me a… confident woman. ;)
Ok ladies and gentlemen, fasten your seatbelts… Sherry Argov’s second book, Why Men Marry Bitches, is a definite conversation-starter (to say the least). There are mixed reviews, and it seems most people either love it or hate it (with most men and many women falling under the “hate it” category). My opinion falls somewhere in the middle. Some chapters had me nodding in agreement and saying “Amen Sistah!” while others had me screaming, “What is wrong with this… confident woman?!”
I decided to sift through it all, break it down and give you the first official “Love Doctor Trash vs. Treasure Report.” Enjoy!
TREASURE:
- Instead of “Where’s my ring?” or “Why won’t you marry me?” the confident woman is thinking “What’s the advantage of having this guy around?” or “How do I feel about myself after I’ve been in his company?” or “What’s in it for me?”
- Your power gets lost the minute you start asking him “Where do I stand?” because it tells him the terms of the relationship are now his to dictate.
- Great quote: “Women are constantly being told amazing sex will win a man’s heart. This is false. Just because a man sleeps with you doesn’t mean he cares about you. Nor will good sex make him care about you.”
- She takes a few pages from the “male playbook” and explains common tactics men use to get women in the sack and how to respond to them. Funny stuff!
your bathroom?”
o He may do a few too many tequila shots and then
say, “I’m too drunk to drive; can I sleep on your
couch?”
under a lot of stress lately. How about I give you
a back rub? I’ll be a perfect gentleman, I
promise.”
cuddle as friends. I promise to leave my
underwear on. Scout’s honor.” Then the story
changes: “This underwear is way too
constricting. It’s itching me. I have to take them
off. I hate when this happens… do you mind?”
- She polls men and asks, “How can a woman tell if a man is really in love and thinking about forever?” I thought this was a good (and real) answer:
“He’s thinking for two, not one. He’ll create things
to do, and he’ll start making important life choices
with you in mind. Where he lives, what house he
buys, the trips he takes. The bachelor outings will
become a once-in-a-while thing to see his friends
for an occasional pool game. You’ll become his
favorite and best friend to spend time with. If he
has one week of vacation, he’s planning it with
you, not his long-lost buddy from college.”
TRASH:
- “Being up front and open doesn’t work.”
- Chapter 2’s Title: Make Him Chase You, Until You Catch Him- How to Convince Him Commitment was His Idea (aka “let the game-playing begin”)
- “The second you utter words like ‘monogamy’ or ‘kids’, he will put up a wall. In his mind, every woman is looking for a ‘live one’ so she can plot his capture…arrest…and future life in captivity.” (It appears she has a very jaded and cynical view of men and their feelings toward commitment.)
- A man will regularly and purposely try to push a woman’s buttons (by being late, forgetting to call, trying to make her jealous with another woman, etc…) because he wants three things: attention, control and a feeling of importance.
- If a woman responds to the button-pushing behavior by doing the exact same thing to him, the bad behavior will disappear entirely. (It is much more likely that the two of you will end up going your separate ways, because both of you will end up getting hurt, and neither of you will communicate openly and honestly about your feelings.)
- “Give a little encouragement, but not too much. The best way to do this is with strategically placed compliments. ‘You are sooo smart.’ Now he thinks you admire him, but he’s dominating the relationship and is in control of where it’s going.” (Now this is downright insulting.)
- This one is really terrible and potentially dangerous, especially for married couples and serious relationships. The information in italics below is taken directly from her book:
RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE #26: Men love knowing there’s a small part of you that they can’t get to.
A married girlfriend of mine, Linda, said whenever her husband starts ignoring her, she’ll go into the bathroom, take out her makeup case, and start putting on her glamour-girl face. Then she’ll pick out a nice outfit and spray on some good perfume. Instantly, her husband will become alarmed. “Where are you going all dressed up?” Linda will say something like, “I’m going to Starbucks to meet Sue. We might go to that new martinin club,” or, “I’m running some errands.” He’ll ask her again, “You are going dressed…like that?”
Add to the equation that Linda’s husband knows when he’s being neglectful. So immediately, he worries she might want outside attention. And it never fails. Sometimes he’ll seduce her to keep her from going out, other times he’ll have dinner reservations or flowers when she gets back.”
- Argov advises waiting 30 days or 5 dates before having sex (as opposed to Steve Harvey’s 90-day waiting period).
The Love Doc’s advice? Wait until you know him,
wait until you trust him, wait until you love him,
and most importantly… wait until you get what you
want (whatever that may be). If your ultimate goal
is to get a ring and a wedding date, know that his
ultimate goal (at least in the beginning) is usually
to get into your bedroom. It’s not about playing
games, but it IS about setting boundaries and
standing firm on what you believe is right. Above all
else, don’t compromise yourself or your values for
anyone, no matter how you feel about them.
THE DOCTOR’S ORDER:
The bottom line on Argov’s book is that while it is an interesting read and does make some valid points, single women who are looking for love and tired of getting hurt or dealing with relationship drama would be better served to pick up a good book by Iylana Vanzant or Joyce Meyer than to read this one. The main benefit of Why Men Marry Bitches is that it empowers women to be confident and set boundaries, but there are other, much better books out there which can do the same things, without all the mind games and manipulation.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
· According to Sherry Argov, the men she polled all said they are looking for confident women, but they are in short supply. Do you believe confident women are in short supply, and if so, why?
· What do you think about Relationship Principle #26, and the example given afterward?
· For the men: Argov says “Men see the way you dress, and then make assumptions about your relationship potential. He would rather see a form-fitting blouse than a plunging neckline, and he’s much more fascinated by a long skirt with a slit up the side than a micro-mini skirt that shows the whole leg.” Agree or Disagree? Why?
If you have a question for the love doctor, send it to ngee16@gmail.com. Questions will be answered through the blog and your identity will remain confidential.
I feel like this book was written for school girls. If you don't know the things men will say to get into pants by now...just stay single.
ReplyDeleteBeing up front and open does work. You have to be willing to accept the truth.
As far as Principle #26....BITCH GET A DOG! Or should I say "confident woman". If you have to make your man feel like you need outside attention because he will not do what YOU want him to do then you need to find a hobby!
Let me ask this question: What do you do when your husband wants YOUR attention? If he put on his nice outfit and good smelling cologne you would be searching facebook and emails as soon as he stepped out the front door. I say put on your pretty girl swag everyday and maybe he would be more willing to pay attention to you.
I use to work with a "confident woman". She has a beautiful new home, a nice car, and money in the bank. Every man that came her way she pushed away for whatever reason. Needless to say she's still single, with her "confident" self;)
I do think a great deal of women battle with confidence issues but many times it's because of men! The dad that wasn't there, the guys who made you feel bad as a young woman because of their teenage games, the young men who lay it on thick in the beginning only to become bored and unreachable. After every breakup we look at ourselves and wonder what we did, was it how we looked, that extra 15 pounds...whatever that made him pull away.
ReplyDeleteWomen have to find their own worth. You really have to stay connected to who you are regardless if there is a man in your life. NEVER let a man change your routine more than what you are comfortable with and keep doing the things you really enjoy whether he joins you or not. To me, this works better than any games or tricks. Tricks are for kids I always say and I would much rather just ask whatever is on my mind after I've tried in some way to fix my end. For example, why not try to do something or go somewhere you and your partner have never gone when things get stale and he starts pulling away? Then if he still acts the same or doesn't respond to your attempt at making things more interesting, ask him what he would like to do....what could the two of you do or change to make things better for both.
I do agree with Argov....I think the 1950's had a certain way of being so sexy by being so very classy. I think the act of being classy is also being sophisticated, sexy, fun and flirty in a way that compliments the individual woman, without being trashy. Class can't be bought, and I don't think you necessarily have to be born with it, but you do have to be comfortable in your own skin and know who you are. Maybe this is the reason seasoned women seem to have the most class, that or it was a by-product of their generation.
Just my thoughts :-)
I'm not so sure we should be 'looking' for anything outside of our own self (not ego, but deeper).
ReplyDeleteI understand the importance of boundaries/rules but these are much more to do with the respect you have for yourself than the effect or the potential outcome you'd like to have on others.
I guess it's about being content with yourself.
Bottom line being part of a couple isn't the be all and end all.
I reckon as long as people keep talking to each other they can sort most stuff out - boundaries, dignity, confidence, 'intuition', all great tools in life, and we only learn these things from some failures along the way - they all tell you when something is over or has to change or you need to move on.
It's about not being afraid to allow yourself to enter into another relationship (leaving behind baggage, history, but listening to and using the tools you've gathered in life) or simply to be content with being alone (but not lonely) that marks the confident woman/man.