Until now. I recently finished reading Steve Harvey's latest book, Straight Talk, No Chaser, and now... well, let's just say I'm officially inspired. Married ladies and especially single ladies, if you have not read this book, go and get it NOW. No really, I mean right now. I'll wait. ;)
Because I know that most of you didn't rush off and go buy the book, allow me to give you just a few highlights...
According to Steve Harvey:
- Men who claim to be your "friend" are only doing this because they know you will not allow it to become anything more right now, and they are all hoping for a chance or "crack in the door" to appear in the near future. Men only befriend women they find physically and/or sexually attractive.
- Each woman should wait at least 90 days before having sex with the man she is dating. If you have sex with him before the 90-day trial period is over, you run the risk of being put in the "throwback" zone. A "throwback" is a woman who, for lack of a better phrase, puts out easily; she has few if any standards or requirements. A man will never settle down with a "throwback" woman.
- Do not look for commitment from a man in his 20s. Most men are not ready to settle down until their 30s, and some even later.
- Women hold the keys to successful relationships; the burden of this rests solely on our shoulders, because we have skills which men do not possess (Yes, he really wrote that).
- A man derives his self-worth through three things: his title (this shows who he is), how he gets that title (what he does) and the reward he gets for his effort (how much he makes). If he has not conquered these three areas in his life, or if he is unhappy in any of these areas, he is unable to be a good husband to you or father to his children. Period.
Needless to say... I was (and am) inspired to write again. In case you were wondering, I am purposely refraining from making any comments about my opinions on the statements listed above. I want to know what you think about Steve Harvey's ideas. Agree? Disagree? Surprised? Disgusted? Please respond, whether privately via inbox message or publicly via discussion board below.
When I was in college at SHSU, some friends and I started a column in our campus newspaper called "The Love Doctor." It was very popular, extremely entertaining and I think now is a perfect time to bring it back! (Hey, if Steve Harvey can be a relationship expert...why not me?)
This blog will be all about love and relationships, from a woman's perspective... written by a woman, for women. Of course men are welcome to read and post as well, but let's face it ladies: unless you drag your man kicking and screaming to the computer or email him the link directly with a note attached that says "Read this NOW," chances are he won't read it.
So let's celebrate ourselves, dish the dirt and have some real talk, just us girls. It's about time, isn't it? :0)
If you have a relationship question, send it to ngee16@gmail.com. Questions will be answered through the blog and your identity will remain confidential.
I must say I found this tidbit of information both interesting and disturbing. One particular area I found disturbing was the "friendship" explanation. Why? I'm glad you asked. I found that disturbing because, being a single female with male friends, I know some of them have female friends that they claim no interest in beyond the mere friendship. Yes, I'm sure they find their female friends attractive because, let's face it, men (and some women) are simply that shallow. So, love doctor, I pose this question: when a friendship stretches into years and they are not romantically involved, is that a platonic relationship in its finality or do men still hope for maybe, one day...?
ReplyDeleteAnother question I would love the doctor to analyze: is courting still alive and, if so, is it unrealistic in today's society to demand such a courtship?
Women often undervalue their role in relationships. We set the tone. We set the guidelines. We set the rules. A man can only go as far as you allow him...I have heard this statement repeated many times before. How many women actually believe it? If you are willing to give 100% in a relationship, then expect for the other party to give 100%. 50/50 went out the window long ago.
ReplyDeleteI've known great marriages/relationships that began as 'one night stands' - I do think courting still exists and sometimes sex/love making is a very big part of that courtship/relationship from the beginning - I continue to marvel at what makes two people 'click'- and I mistrust statements that encourage or believe that one human being can have 'control' over another...and ideally, courting should continue to exist throughout the relationship/the marriage from both partners...
ReplyDeleteLadies, Ladies, Ladies.....we hold the key to it all. It's not a control thing, it's a GOD thing. God knew what he was doing when he created woman. A world without women would be crazy. I can only imagine what men would come up with for companionship. With that being said, it's not about control at all. Men tend to use "survival tactics" in everything they do. Whats a survival tactic in a relationship you ask? Saying I just want to be your friend. (What ever he has to say to survive in your world another day). Men do not care about having female friends. An unattractive woman to a man is a female friend. A beautiful friend who happens to be a woman is "potential". (Sorry!) I've told many of my friends before, If you think he just wants to be friends, temp him sexually and see if he doesn't bite at the bait. You don't have sex with friends.....if you do, you my friend are a f-buddy.
ReplyDeleteThanks for responding, everyone. These are great questions to ponder and points to consider.
ReplyDelete@ Kimberley: in response to your question "if a friendship stretches into years and they are not romantically involved, is that a platonic relationship in its finality or do men still hope for maybe, one day...?"
In order to find the answer, it may be helpful to consider a host other questions related to this specific situation, such as:
- Has the relationship always been platonic, or was there a romantic, physical and/or intimate relationship between these two in the past?
- If there was a prior romantic and/or physical relationship, who decided the relationship should become strictly platonic in nature?
- If the relationship has always been strictly platonic, has either person ever indicated (whether directly or indirectly) a desire for more?
Once these questions are resolved, the answer to your original question should become clear.
@ ens: Excellent point! ("50/50 went out the window long ago.") Relationships take time, skill, patience, determination, humility and WORK. (a lot of it!)
One of the most challenging aspects of maintaining a healthy connection in our busy, stressful and overcrowded world is giving 100% of ourselves, especially when we feel our partner may only be giving 30 or 40%. Perhaps this is a good time to pray... :) (no, seriously)
@ Maxine: You made some terrific points which many of us might not have otherwise considered. ("I've known great marriages/relationships that began as 'one night stands'- I do think courting still exists and sometimes sex/love making is a very big part of that courtship/relationship from the beginning.")
Generally speaking, American culture and media give extremely mixed signals related to a woman's sexuality and what is acceptable vs unacceptable. It is almost as if women are being forced to choose a side on one extreme or the other (virgin or whore); there is very little room for a "middle ground" in our society. This is a discussion that could go on and on... I would love to hear more about how women are raised to view sex in various countries and cultures.
@ Gloria: I loved this line- "Men use 'survival tactics' in everything they do." I have heard the phrase "men are simple creatures" many times before, and while I totally get that, the wording always seemed a bit demeaning to me. Survival tactics... makes so much sense and sounds much better.
Men are (generally speaking again) extremely competitive and logical by nature, while women tend to be more nurturing and emotional (love it or hate it... it is what it is). When you put "survival tactics" in the context of men having friendships with women, Steve Harvey's statements do seem to ring true. What purpose does the friendship serve, and what benefit is the man getting from it? Again ladies, men are logical and competitive, not typically nurturing and emotional like us. Their basic and relationship needs differ from ours. Think about it...
Thanks again to all of you for reading the blog and responding. Don't forget to click "follow" above, to subscribe and get notified of future entries!
ok love the blog all that an then some since Steve Harvey is a genius and same for the lady of this blog but only thing i dont agree with is the fact that its says(" Do not look for commitment from a man in his 20s. ") i mean its plenty of men actually wanting to be and rdy to be committed its just most females in there 20s now days are bigger players then most men so finding someone special should take time and tru men have to feel like men that all most of us have is our pride and our word but love the title its a Gee thing haha thanks for the tips on the books your the greatest!!
ReplyDeleteGreat comments from my friend LaDonna...
ReplyDeleteMMMMmmmm...
I do not totally agree with Steve Harvey's statements. I do agree when you tend to date a "certain" type of guy that they may make judgments on you based on promiscuity or what they view your standards are. However, I believe certain women can or have learned to spot these type of men from a distance. I myself think that I have mastered that.
I can honestly say I have never waited 90 days to have sex with a man and all but 3 of those (in my very young years) have turned into serious relationships. I think if you are aware of sexuality and its clear that regardless of this you are in charge of your own wants, that these things that Steve says are not completely relevant.
I have to state that I may also be very biased on the 90 day thing. I had sex with my husband on the first date and we married 2 weeks later and have been married happily for 9yrs. I have always been honest about my sexual past, and honest that about my sexual needs.
I think in some of Steve's opinions do not take into consideration the sexuality of women.
Secondly, I disagree with the men as friends thing. I have an old friend named Eric. He and I have spoken about this on several occasions in the past. That we have been such close friends for 14 years and never flirted or anything. We have been close throughout different relationships. We even laughed about how people were always perplexed at our relationship as friends.. such an odd pair.
But I have shed tears with him when his mother committed suicide, he shared tears with me when I lost my father and has always been a constant source of support. But never once in 14 years a flirt.. and he has been honest with me with not being attracted to other races... not that he is racist.. you know people have preferences to attraction.
As far as other cultures go .. I know in England regards on sexuality are nearly the same. However thinking on censorship is much more relaxed. For example the Janet Jackson episode with the nipple thing. All of Europe was laughing at the uproar in the USA ... as though a woman's breast is something that will rot a child's brain.. but at the same time having shows like CSI with rotting corpses and graphic violence is totally acceptable.
Now that I live in Scandinavia. Norway specifically is supposed to be the capital of what they call "fast fun" one nighters in other words. However women here are not judged for their sexuality or needs or wants. Some men here actually dont think you are seriously interested if there is no intimacy... the thought here is why wait... life is short... no games. I like that. Also it is soooooo very common here to have close friends of both genders.
.....
So I guess my opinion on Steve's words are not totally bad I just think its based on what a man "like himself" may want or see in women. I just think it depends on the type of person you are attracted to ... and what you consider standards...
Are standards to be considered judgements? Are judgements based on what you think or based on whatever religion that person may be... where that person comes from...previous baggage... mistakes made in past? I think it can be a bit much. But its up to the person/woman to figure out if she needs to "pull back" depending on the type of partner she is attracted to.