Why Men Marry Bitches...

Note:  Argov explains that the term “bitch” is meant to refer to a woman who is strong in her identity and secure with who she is.  I get it, but I decided to replace the term “bitch” with “confident woman” throughout the rest of this blog post.  And I won’t apologize for it either, so just call me a… confident woman.  ;)

Ok ladies and gentlemen, fasten your seatbelts…  Sherry Argov’s second book, Why Men Marry Bitches, is a definite conversation-starter (to say the least).  There are mixed reviews, and it seems most people either love it or hate it (with most men and many women falling under the “hate it” category).  My opinion falls somewhere in the middle.  Some chapters had me nodding in agreement and saying “Amen Sistah!” while others had me screaming, “What is wrong with this… confident woman?!”  

I decided to sift through it all, break it down and give you the first official “Love Doctor Trash vs. Treasure Report.”  Enjoy!

TREASURE:

• Instead of “Where’s my ring?” or “Why won’t you marry me?” the confident woman is thinking “What’s the advantage of having this guy around?” or “How do I feel about myself after I’ve been in his company?” or “What’s in it for me?”

• Your power gets lost the minute you start asking him “Where do I stand?” because it tells him the terms of the relationship are now his to dictate.

• Great quote: “Women are constantly being told amazing sex will win a man’s heart.  This is false.  Just because a man sleeps with you doesn’t mean he cares about you.  Nor will good sex make him care about you.”

• She takes a few pages from the “male playbook” and explains common tactics men use to get women in the sack and how to respond to them.  Funny stuff!

     Here are a few examples:

   o    At the end of the night, he may ask, “Can I use

        your bathroom?”

     o    He may do a few too many tequila shots and then

        say, “I’m too drunk to drive; can I sleep on your

        couch?”

   o    He might offer a massage and say, “You’ve been

        under a lot of stress lately.  How about I give you

        a back rub?  I’ll be a perfect gentleman, I

        promise.”

   o    The cuddle trick: “I’ll stay the night and we’ll just

        cuddle as friends.  I promise to leave my

        underwear on.  Scout’s honor.”  Then the story

        changes:  “This underwear is way too

        constricting.  It’s itching me.  I have to take them

        off.  I hate when this happens… do you mind?”

• She polls men and asks, “How can a woman tell if a man is really in love and thinking about forever?”  I thought this was a good (and real) answer:

     “He’s thinking for two, not one.  He’ll create things

      to do, and he’ll start making important life choices

      with you in mind.  Where he lives, what house he

      buys, the trips he takes.  The bachelor outings will

      become a once-in-a-while thing to see his friends

      for an occasional pool game.  You’ll become his

      favorite and best friend to spend time with.  If he

      has one week of vacation, he’s planning it with

      you, not his long-lost buddy from college.”

TRASH:

• “Being up front and open doesn’t work.”

• Chapter 2’s Title: Make Him Chase You, Until You Catch Him- How to Convince Him Commitment was His Idea (aka “let the game-playing begin”)

• “The second you utter words like ‘monogamy’ or ‘kids’, he will put up a wall.  In his mind, every woman is looking for a ‘live one’ so she can plot his capture…arrest…and future life in captivity.”  (It appears she has a very jaded and cynical view of men and their feelings toward commitment.)

• A man will regularly and purposely try to push a woman’s buttons (by being late, forgetting to call, trying to make her jealous with another woman, etc…) because he wants three things: attention, control and a feeling of importance.

• If a woman responds to the button-pushing behavior by doing the exact same thing to him, the bad behavior will disappear entirely.  (It is much more likely that the two of you will end up going your separate ways, because both of you will end up getting hurt, and neither of you will communicate openly and honestly about your feelings.)

• “Give a little encouragement, but not too much.  The best way to do this is with strategically placed compliments.  ‘You are sooo smart.’  Now he thinks you admire him, but he’s dominating the relationship and is in control of where it’s going.” (Now this is downright insulting.)

• This one is really terrible and potentially dangerous, especially for married couples and serious relationships.  The information in italics below is taken directly from her book:

RELATIONSHIP PRINCIPLE #26: Men love knowing there’s a small part of you that they can’t get to.

A married girlfriend of mine, Linda, said whenever her husband starts ignoring her, she’ll go into the bathroom, take out her makeup case, and start putting on her glamour-girl face.  Then she’ll pick out a nice outfit and spray on some good perfume.  Instantly, her husband will become alarmed.  “Where are you going all dressed up?”  Linda will say something like, “I’m going to Starbucks to meet Sue.  We might go to that new martinin club,” or, “I’m running some errands.” He’ll ask her again, “You are going dressed…like that?”

Add to the equation that Linda’s husband knows when he’s being neglectful.  So immediately, he worries she might want outside attention.  And it never fails.  Sometimes he’ll seduce her to keep her from going out, other times he’ll have dinner reservations or flowers when she gets back.”

• Argov advises waiting 30 days or 5 dates before having sex (as opposed to Steve Harvey’s 90-day waiting period). 

     
     The Love Doc’s advice?  Wait until you know him,
     wait until you trust him, wait until you love him,
     and most importantly… wait until you get what you
     want (whatever that may be).  If your ultimate goal
     is to get a ring and a wedding date, know that his
     ultimate goal (at least in the beginning) is usually
     to get into your bedroom.  It’s not about playing
     games, but it IS about setting boundaries and
     standing firm on what you believe is right. Above all
     else, don’t compromise yourself or your values for
     anyone, no matter how you feel about them.

THE DOCTOR’S ORDER:

The bottom line on Argov’s book is that while it is an interesting read and does make some valid points, single women who are looking for love and tired of getting hurt or dealing with relationship drama would be better served to pick up a good book by Iylana Vanzant or Joyce Meyer than to read this one.  The main benefit of Why Men Marry Bitches is that it empowers women to be confident and set boundaries, but there are other, much better books out there which can do the same things, without all the mind games and manipulation.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

·         According to Sherry Argov, the men she polled all said they are looking for confident women, but they are in short supply.  Do you believe confident women are in short supply, and if so, why?

·         What do you think about Relationship Principle #26, and the example given afterward?

·         For the men: Argov says “Men see the way you dress, and then make assumptions about your relationship potential.  He would rather see a form-fitting blouse than a plunging neckline, and he’s much more fascinated by a long skirt with a slit up the side than a micro-mini skirt that shows the whole leg.”  Agree or Disagree?  Why?

  

   If you have a question for the love doctor, send it to ngee16@gmail.com. Questions will be answered through the blog and your identity will remain confidential.

Return of the Love Doctor...

For months I've been telling myself I would start this blog, but for some reason, I just couldn't (or wouldn't) post an entry.  Call it writer's block, procrastination or just plain old too busy to bother; whichever the case, I just couldn't seem to get started.


Until now.  I recently finished reading Steve Harvey's latest book, Straight Talk, No Chaser, and now... well, let's just say I'm officially inspired.  Married ladies and especially single ladies, if you have not read this book, go and get it NOW.  No really, I mean right now.  I'll wait. ;)


Because I know that most of you didn't rush off and go buy the book, allow me to give you just a few highlights...


According to Steve Harvey:

• Men who claim to be your "friend" are only doing this because they know you will not allow it to become anything more right now, and they are all hoping for a chance or "crack in the door" to appear in the near future.  Men only befriend women they find physically and/or sexually attractive.

• Each woman should wait at least 90 days before having sex with the man she is dating.  If you have sex with him before the 90-day trial period is over, you run the risk of being put in the "throwback" zone.  A "throwback" is a woman who, for lack of a better phrase, puts out easily; she has few if any standards or requirements.  A man will never settle down with a "throwback" woman.

• Do not look for commitment from a man in his 20s. Most men are not ready to settle down until their 30s, and some even later.

• Women hold the keys to successful relationships; the burden of this rests solely on our shoulders, because we have skills which men do not possess (Yes, he really wrote that).

• A man derives his self-worth through three things: his title (this shows who he is), how he gets that title (what he does) and the reward he gets for his effort (how much he makes).  If he has not conquered these three areas in his life, or if he is unhappy in any of these areas, he is unable to be a good husband to you or father to his children. Period.

I told you to go buy it, didn't I??  He also tells us how to ask men the right questions to get the real answers, how to get what we want without nagging and how to handle money problems with men (just to name a few).  

Needless to say... I was (and am) inspired to write again. In case you were wondering, I am purposely refraining from making any comments about my opinions on the statements listed above.  I want to know what you think about Steve Harvey's ideas.  Agree?  Disagree? Surprised? Disgusted? Please respond, whether privately via inbox message or publicly via discussion board below.

When I was in college at SHSU, some friends and I started a column in our campus newspaper called "The Love Doctor."  It was very popular, extremely entertaining and I think  now is a perfect time to bring it back! (Hey, if Steve Harvey can be a relationship expert...why not me?)  

This blog will be all about love and relationships, from a woman's perspective... written by a woman, for women. Of course men are welcome to read and post as well, but let's face it ladies: unless you drag your man kicking and screaming to the computer or email him the link directly with a note attached that says "Read this NOW," chances are he won't read it.  

So let's celebrate ourselves, dish the dirt and have some real talk, just us girls.  It's about time, isn't it?  :0)

If you have a relationship question, send it to ngee16@gmail.com.  Questions will be answered through the blog and your identity will remain confidential.